As we haul bags into a stuffy taxi to make our way to the airport, he leans over at my frowning face with a smile and says, “You know, I think maybe going on vacation isn’t good for you. It’s too hard for you to go back.” He’s right. As I mentally prepare myself for the “going back” it is always hard. I sip my last Decaf Venti Iced Nonfat Vanilla Latte {say that fast!} that I ordered in English as I think over my life.
I’ve always known what I would be leaving, moving overseas. I knew the first time, the time when we filled the big yellow bags to the brim and smiled in front of them, full of energy and excitement saying goodbye to family, friends, and the life we knew. We were off to begin our adventure, the excitement of new things, the allure of the unknown.
But now, six years later, I know what I am choosing to come back to. I know how the dog yelps non-stop day after day after day, crowding out my sleep, wearing me down like Chinese water torture. I know the feeling of sweat dripping constantly down that spot where cleavage would be if I had cleavage. I know that sinking feeling when the electricity goes off again, and it’s anybody’s guess as to when it might come back on. I know the smell of the garbage piles on the side of the road, the ickiness of full sewers, and the constant noise of a city too packed onto it’s tiny island frame.
I know.
And yes, there are the moments where I dream of pulling a Wonderwoman dive out of the taxi and crawling back under the fresh white duvet cover with the remote and watching Cake Boss until I fall asleep.
But then.
Then I remember the why. This life is short, and I want to live it surrendered, not comfortable.
Jennie Allen, in her book, Anything, says, “If we believe that this life is temporary, that belief alone changes how we live it.” I want this temporary life to be one that I can’t live on my own, one that I need His strength for each and every day. Living in this way brings joy deep down in my soul. My sweet Jesus gave it all for me on the cross. He loves me so intently and He has given me the chance to offer back to Him a life of sacrifice.
And the truth is my life, the messy one, where I have to rely on Him to get me through, is more beautiful than any sea view, any candlelit dinner, or any afternoon spent journaling at Starbucks. The messy life I have, the one HE chose for me, is far more beautiful than any comfortable relaxing moment I can imagine, because He is in it.
And, now, knowing exactly what I am in for, I choose it all again.
Thanks for visiting! I invite you to subscribe to Grace Full Mama here!
Pic taken by my hubby, Dave. A big thank you to Mandy from Biblical Homemaking for the cute clothes I am wearing in the pic. *I understand that Starbucks may be a hot button issue for some of you, but as I live out of the country, I thank you for your grace in respecting my choice to drink some coffee from home.*Linking up here: The Better Mom, Women Living Well, A Holy Experience, Denise in Bloom, Time Warp Wife, and Raising Homemakers
Pingback: A Life of Surrender | Grace Full Mama