I Am an Island…or Am I?

October 10, 2011 By

For as long as I can remember, I have been allergic to accepting help.  Giving help?  No problem.  Accepting help?  Even the thought makes me itch.  See?  I’ve got red spots already.

Fast forward to me on the mission field, totally overwhelmed by a new life, a new language, new culture.  And say what?!  I have to cook from scratch?  Cut up a chicken?  I didn’t even know that’s how they came.  I thought they came into the world boneless and skinless. And I have to cook an actual pumpkin to make my favorite recipes?  You mean it doesn’t come in a can?

A whole new learning curve.  Overwhelmed is putting it mildly.

Living as an ex-pat in a foreign land makes it so that my life intertwines with other women on a daily basis.  I have to borrow yogurt from my neighbor because there isn’t any starter at the store.  The washer is broken?  Well, the service man might take 3 days, and, in the tropics, dirty clothes simply cannot wait that long.  Need medical help?  Any really good medical care is a day’s travel away.  I am going to have to ask someone to watch my kids.

So, I step out and ask, and get the answer, “Sure!” or “I’d thought you’d never ask!”  and really in the asking I am blessing others because they are allowed to see me behind the mask.  The mask of trying to appear perfect or that I have it all together.  They are needed, and that feels good.

Once, not long ago, I was sick, and my husband was out of town.  A dear friend not only went grocery shopping for me, but then took all of my kids to her house for dinner!  Wow.  I was humbled.  I am finding that as I am willing to let the “real” messy me be seen it only enhances and encourages my relationships.

My tips for asking for help:

1.  Just do it!! You might like it!

2.  Start small.  Ask for help on a little project or for a small favor.

3.  Look around to see who is in your life that you might be able to swap some responsibilities.

4.  Make sure that you are not always on the receiving end. Be sure you return the favor!!

Open up, ask for help.  What have you got to lose?!!

Do you struggle with asking for help? Do you struggle with the “real” you being seen?  How have your overcome this? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

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Filed Under: friendship

39 Comments

  • Sheri Prescott

    I have felt exactly the same way as a military wife! And, it’s been so “freeing” to learn that I’m not alone and that these precious women around me actually LOVE to help me, as much as I love to serve them! As a recovering “miss independent;” with my husband’s deployments and continuous travel for missions, it has become an incredible gift to have friends offer to pick up a gallon of milk while out shopping, to watch my little ones while I go out for a long run, and to graciously deliver a can of 7-UP, in the middle of the night when my little onese have suddenly come down with a stomach virus… please write more on this subject Joy! It blessed me so today! *Hugs*

    • Joy

      Sheri,
      I am so glad to hear that I am not the only recovering “Miss Independent”! Thank you for sharing all those examples of ways that you have learned to let others help you. It is hard, isn’t it?! But, so freeing when you realize that these friendships are partnerships, with a give and take! I am learning SO much in this area, so I promise you that this will not be the last time I talk about it! :) I love you friend. You inspire me!

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  • http://yaikosfollowingthedream.blogspot.com Kristen

    I think you just described me. :) As a missionary, too, I have found myself many times over the years feeling that same way, feeling completely overwhelmed and needing help at those same things. I have no difficulty offering and giving help, but it is SO hard to ask. Part of it has to do with wanting to feel like I have it altogether, but other times, it is a fear of bothering someone else by asking. And my husband graciously reminds me how I feel when I am able to help someone and to allow someone else to be of help, even when that has meant coming over at 2 a.m. to watch kids for a medical emergency. The Lord gives us the body, and I need to remember that it’s okay to ask for help.

    • Joy

      Yes, yes, Kristen. You are right, it is both reasons, wanting to feel like I have it altogether AND not wanting to bother others. Your husband is wise (sounds like mine), to remind you how much you like to be called upon in someone’s hour of need. I’m the same way, I LOVE to serve others, love to help out in the time of need, and I never realized that by not asking others for the same help I was giving them, I was denying them that same joy. I have so much to learn on this topic! Thanks for sharing your story! Glad to know I am not alone. :)

  • Thehomespunheart

    Oh, Joy – this is me too! It makes me break out in a sweat to ask for help whereas offering help comes as natural as breathing. And, when some won’t accept my help I can begin to see how it feels – it’s hard when I see a need yet the other won’t receive. This must be how it feels to them when I won’t accept help … thank you for sharing this! Love you!

    • Joy

      Yes, Monica, you are so right. When the tables are turned and someone doesn’t want to accept help, I realize how hurtful it is to others when I won’t accept their help. It’s SO hard though!! :) Thank you for joining the conversation here, Monica, it always makes my day to see a comment from my favorite blogger! :)

  • Brandy

    Like the other commenting ladies and you, I’ve needed much help while being overseas with a traveling and working hubby! You put it a good way that it blesses others because it lets down the mask and takes away the thought that we have it all together or can do it all. I’ve not thought about it that way. It’s so true!

    I also think we rob others of the blessing of serving and giving when we don’t ask or allow ourselves to be served. My husband and I experienced this while in seminary and we were desiring to be hospitable and open our home to someone that needed a place to stay once a week. The guest felt like he was such an imposition and did all he could to not impose. Although, I do understand where he’s coming from, we were saddened that we couldn’t serve and help this family out more. This was a huge lesson for me on learning to receive and receive well. But, it’s still SO hard and I do still struggle to ask for help.

    • Joy

      Brandy,
      Thank you for sharing. I am seeing a running theme, we all realize what it feels like when someone else won’t accept our help and that is the “light bulb” moment for us. To see it from the opposite angle is really a blessing, because then we know how we are coming across to others. :) I always say that part of the reason the Lord sent me to the mission field was to teach me how to live in community with other women. While not always easy, it has been SO good for me!! More on that topic another day!

  • http://twitter.com/stacey29lincoln Stacey29lincoln

    What, you mean I have to ask for help? They don’t just know I need it? Hmmm…. :)

  • Zanetta

    In ministry we were always the givers. We had a “few” trials in our life that necessitated letting someone else minister to us. It was by far the most difficult to accept but pain endured alone is worse. As I grew through those times I realized my friends wanted to “Bear me up” and minister to me. How dare I take their blessing? There’s not enough transparancy in ministry…we are not pretty packages tied up with a bow. We give but we have to receive…He supplies all our needs and that’s just one of them too. Thanks Joy.

    • Joy

      Zanetta, You always leave such thoughtful and godly comments! Do you want to start writing my posts for me?!!! :) Yes, you are SO right. We are stealing someone else’s blessing when we don’t accept their help. And, yes, there does need to be SO much more transparency in ministry. We all need to be more honest about what we are going through and take off the mask of “I’m fine!”. Thank you as always for commenting. You bless me!

  • http://www.fixedonhim.blogspot.com Denise

    I had to take my hubby to the ER recently and our girls had to go with us because my mom (our designated sitter) was at work. It was all good until they called my husband back… normally I go back with him, not wanting him to be in there by himself. This time I had to wait with our girls and in the process I felt like my heart was being torn. I had called a friend to ask her to pray for my hubby and she offered to come and get our girls. I said no because I knew her folks were in town and they had plans for the day. She insisted that she wanted to come and get them. I finally agreed!

    It was such a blessing to know that our girls were being cared for so well. The peace and comfort that brought to me was priceless. It was amazing to be able to sit with my hubby and takes notes when the doctors came in & out… and to pray without distractions.

    It IS always so easy for me to offer help to others. However, I am challenged when that role is reversed. Most times I need to let go though and just trust the Lord, and acknowledge that the help being offered is actually coming from Him anyway. :)

    • Joy

      Denise,
      Thank you so much for sharing your story. I love the words that you shared about after you took the help, peace and comfort. Yes. There is such peace and comfort in letting others minister to our hearts. And, wow. You are so right, it is help coming from the Lord, and how dare we not accept help from Him! Thanks for chatting today.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=619715615 Jennifer Hill

    I can completely relate to this. Especially the “real” me being shown when it comes to my house. My parents rarely had company over when I was growing up. When they did it was a big deal so my mother would clean like crazy (not that our house was ever that out of sorts) and required us kids to clean like crazy. The message that sent me, her baby, was no one could see our house “lived in” EVER. My husband grew up just the opposite. His mother welcomed anyone in no matter how her house looked and made them feel welcomed and loved. So of course in the earlier years of our marriage my husband would invite people over without warning and I would come unglued. “The house isn’t clean we can’t let them in! Lock the doors!” As time went by I realized this is NOT what I want to put my kids through. I want people over. I desire fellowship. It’s still hard to let go of the perfect house image and except that a lived in house is normal but I am working on it.

  • http://joyfulmothering.net Christin

    In a word, yes, I struggle with asking for help. I don’t want people to know I can’t handle it. {blush}
    Except my husband – he hears all kinds of phone calls from me as I tell of my struggles. :( I got it all wrong!

    But…God is teaching me. He won’t leave me here. However, I need to take the first step, in faith, so I can meet Him there.
    Great thoughts here, Joy. :) Thanks so much!

    • Joy

      Glad to know I’m not alone. And, yes, my husband also hears ALL of my struggles, needs, and failings. Poor guy. :( God is teaching me too, and I am so grateful. Get ready, you will see some of this topic again in my keynote! :)

  • http://joyfilleddays.wordpress.com/ sarah beals

    Excellent post. You totally made me laugh with your allergy comment. I learned, when I got mono this spring, that people love to come and help. :)

    • Joy

      Ha! That is funny. Oh, I am so sorry that you had mono. UGH. Are you feeling back to 100%? I have a friend that recently had it, and it took her months and months to get over the fatigue. :( Praying right now for your body.

      • http://joyfilleddays.wordpress.com/ sarah beals

        Not quite there, yet. But learning lots about being God dependent vs. self dependent. Thx for praying.

  • Janelle

    Ohhhhh Joy. I have red bumps too…but, what a blessing to know I am not the only one AND I just might step out of my comfort zone and ask …maybe…ummm….if I really need to…UGH! see?! Love this post and your new blog!!! Love to you, Janelle

    • Joy

      Hehehe. Glad to know I’m not the only one with red bumps!! We are in this together girl!

  • http://joyfilleddays.wordpress.com/ sarah beals

    Oh, and as a woman in ministry, and as someone who is always “doing” for others and not receiving, when you are on the receiving end of the help, it makes you more compassionate and understanding. For instance, when I was sick for 2 months with mono, I finally understood the importance of visiting with a snack or meal, and being available to someone who is discouraged, because I was in that very situation. I had always done the visiting, bringing of meals, etc…but now I could see why this was such an important ministry, and how open a woman is for friendship and fellowship in that condition. Well, 18 years later is better than never! God is patient and a great teacher!

  • Jen

    What a wonderful reminder that sometimes the asking is about more than just us. Even at home, to ask my children to help with a small task is a huge blessing to them. I see the joy light across their faces and the pride they take in popping a kitchen towel in the laundry, or setting the table as I’m working on supper. Thanks for sharing! Jen @ http://www.icantstopcrafting.blogspot.com

  • http://www.thistreasuredlife.com Amy D.

    I am a server, through and through. I live to serve other people. Yes, I struggle in accepting help. I went to Nicaragua on a mission trip almost 3 years ago to SERVE. I ended up being the one served, because I fell in a ditch, injured my knee, went to the hospital and was advised to not serve. Oh, it was such a lesson for me. I thought I went to serve, but God sent me to learn how to receive.

  • Anastasia

    I am most definitely NOT GOOD at asking for help. I don’t want to overstep into their lives aka inconvenience anyone! I don’t necessarily want others to see me as needy…though, nor do I want them to presume that I have it all together (total lie!). It’s hard for me because achievement was my source of worth growing up, and now I know better:) So, small steps are where I begin. Even offering can at times be hard because I have a routine and I crave a bit of quiet and I know exactly when that happens in my day. So if the schedule’s off, the quiet is usually “off”…it all comes down to plain selfishness and uptightness. Still seeking peace and rest and quiet in Him, which does not always translate quiet on an earthly scale. I think I still sometimes feel I am a walking glass vase, just waiting to trip and fall and break into a hundred little pieces if I don’t step just so. No way to live! He is patiently teaching me how to live as Jesus did…He who rarely had time alone!
    I can’t tell you how glad I am you’re back Joy! You’re beautiful sister!

  • Rachel B

    I use to be terrible about asking for help (or should I say NOT asking for help)! When I had my first child I wouldn’t accept any help…trying to be Super Woman. It didn’t work. I ended up with a severe case of PPD. Talk about humbling. My mom came and spent a month with us. I started to see my pride in not accepting help…and humbled myself (a little bit). It’s still hard to accept help sometimes, but I’m learning. When my second child was born I accepted the help I was offered and things went a lot smoother. PTL!

  • Jeannette

    I so appreciate your insight and heart. Thank you for being real and sharing even your struggles. I completely relate to this, and it is such a good reminder that letting others in and allowing them to serve will bless them as well.

  • Linda Ringenberg

    Yep, pride has a way of keeping me “independent” until I realize I really need help. I learned that the hard way, too, the first time we were overseas and I ended up with Post Pardum Depression. Thought I could do it all! Sometimes I just want to hide away in my own world rather than offer or ask for help. It makes me feel funny just thinking about it, because what do I think that means about me? God has taught me so much over the years about humility, and I need reminders every day! Our current plea for help is in support raising before we go back overseas. We haven’t had to “ask” for a long time, so it has been humbling to be back in that place, and learn that people really do want to give…

  • http://www.thesimplehomemaker.com/death-of-steve-jobs-reflections Christy, The Simple Homemaker

    Same allergy here! Recently my daughter was hospitalized for two weeks an hour and a half away from home, I was in the first trimester of pregnancy with our seventh while living at the hospital with my girl, and the rest of the family was living at the Ronald McDonald House since we were far from home and wanted to maintain some semblance of family togetherness. It was a trying time. A few people offered to help, but we didn’t know how they could and didn’t want to be a burden, so we declined. NOW, in my third trimester and feeling much better, I look back in total disbelief that we managed to get through that situation “alone.” (We all know we weren’t truly alone.)

    I love this article and your perspective. I think there is a cure, and I think it may come at the hands of the helpers. After reading this and your comments, I see that this inability to accept help seems to be a universal affliction. Perhaps we “helpers” should stop asking others how we can help or telling them to let us know if they need anything, and just do something. Maybe then the “helpees” would see they are not being a burden to others by being helped. I can’t think of anyone who wouldn’t appreciate, at the very least, a bag of groceries or a Subway gift card during tough times, or even a card. Looking back at our hospital stay, I would have loved it if someone would have brought me some real food, but I NEVER would have asked…NOT EVER. I learned two things from the experience: I may never eat a turkey sandwich again, and I need to ask for help when I need it.

    Look how I rambled on about myself! I need help closing my yapper.

  • Mary Ellen

    Joy, I’m so glad to see you tackle this topic! I am a military wife, so my husband is gone a lot, often for looong periods of time. Many of us military spouses are guilty of feeling like we have to tough and have to hold it all together on our own. Once when we were stationed in Okinawa and my hubby was deployed for 7 months, I had to be hospitalized during my 3rd trimester of our 3rd baby. I remember telling the doctor that he couldn’t possibly admit me because I had 2 other children at home and no hubby or family there to watch them. Having no choice, I had to have tons of help, including someone taking and picking my children up from school, feeding them, and going to my house and packing clothes for me and them! I even came home to find that friends had been in and done some light cleaning for me! It was wonderful to discover how blessed I was with amazing and God-filled friends. Someone offered me some wonderful words of wisdom: not asking others for help when truly in need denies others an opportunity to do God’s work/ministry. Since then I’ve lost my pride, and have accepted help when circumstances have been more than I can manage, knowing that someday it will be my turn to “pay it forward.” Thanks for risking your allergy to talk about this! :)

  • http://twitter.com/juststarlene Starlene

    I can relate to not wanting to ask for help but I think my reason is different, though it could still be seen as an off-shoot of the feeling that I don’t want people to see the real “messy” me.

    I was raised to always put others before myself and, while this is certainly something that we should strive for in the sense that Jesus calls us to serve each other, I learned to take it to an extreme. I understood it to mean that I didn’t deserve to be served or helped by others and to ask for help was being selfish and causing the other person inconvenience.

    Now that I have a better understanding of what Jesus desires of us, I see that my way of seeing things was (and, sadly, sometimes still is) warped. I have to fight off the feelings that, if I ask for help, the other person is only doing it out of duty, not because they really *want* to help me. Underneath it all, I feel like if I ask for help, people will see that I’m really not worth keeping as a friend or that I’m too much trouble. That’s where it comes down to the idea that I don’t want to let people see the real me, since I used to believe (and sometimes still struggle not to believe) that the real me isn’t a worthwhile friend or person.

    So how messed up is that?

  • Judy

    This is something I struggle with…however God taught me a HUGE lesson last year when we had to move when I was 35 weeks pregnant….oh, and that was with child # 7. I had a VERY active 14 month old too. 3 days after the move I went into labor. I ended up on bedrest. Then, there were unexpected medical problems for me, a c-section, another child’s birthday and Christmas. Talk about being humbled and have no choice but except help.

    Something I learned during that time…I am NOT in control, God is. Also, people WANTED to bless me and I was robbing them of that opportunity.

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  • http://twitter.com/Angietolpin Angie Tolpin

    To this day… Honestly, you make the BEST Butternut Squash Soup I have ever had… mmmmm with homemade croutons… my mouth is watering… time to go pick some from the garden.

  • Desirie Dougall

    I recently commented to a friend that I could be on fire and still telling people I was fine! Not one of my finer qualities and something I am working on… great post!

  • Katie

    Thank you so much! I struggle with this SO badly. It nearly made me cry the last time I had to ask a friend to watch my oldest while I took the younger two to the doctor to have a fever/earache checked out. Literally to the point of tears on the phone with one of my closest friends. Since then, I have tried to figure out what to do, and I love what you said about letting people see the real you behind mask. What a humbling experience. Seeing behind other’s masks has recently helped me to have the courage to try and ask for help.
    Thank you so much for such a simple perpective! :)

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  • Eli Nuñez

    Thank you Joy! I’m Elizabeth, from Argentina, South America. Most of the time I like to do everything on my own. I’ve been struggling a lot with pride and this post has really helped me see that by asking for help things can be done better sometimes and you could be making someone feel needed and appreciated at the same time!